My Breastfeeding Journey

Breastfeeding. It’s one of those things that as mothers is supposed to come naturally to us. You see it everywhere, pictures of mothers smiling lovingly down at their babies. But the thing is that is doesn’t come all that easy to some people, myself included.

I wasn’t going to write this post, but at the same time I also don’t think there are enough stories shared from mothers who struggled with breastfeeding. If even just one woman can relate to this post then, in my opinion, it was worth writing.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I did all the research and read many articles about breastfeeding as well as the million pamphlets given to me by the midwife. I wanted to try and exclusively breastfeed for at least three or four months, before slowly starting to introduce both formula and some food. By 6-9 months I had intended to have Jack solely on food and formula.

The problem with breastfeeding is that you can read as much as you like, but it’s not something you can really practise or plan for. While you can practise changing a nappy or swaddling a baby, you can’t practise feeding one from your boob. Basically you jump in headfirst and hope for the best.

When Jack was born, he was a bit early so he was incredibly sleepy. I wasn’t encouraged to try and get him to feed until a couple of hours after my c-section, and he was just too tired to latch on. I was told to try and express some colostrum which could be given to him in a syringe. I really struggled with this (there’s quite a technique to it!), and eventually the nurses had to help me in order to get enough to feed him. It was literally like being milked like a cow, and was not a pleasant experience. Later on in the day a lactation consultant came to see me and gave me a handful of syringes and a plastic cup and told me to express as much as possible. After an hour and a half of constantly trying to get some out, I had a miserly 1ml. It was incredibly depressing and I felt a bit like a failure. Looking back, I have no idea how Jack actually got enough to sustain himself those first two days.

On the third day my milk came in and this was the day we went down to Clutha Health First. The midwives there were great and helped me to get Jack to latch correctly. Even though he was now feeding regularly and latching correctly, my nipples were so sore and all I can say is thank god for Lansinoh cream! When we headed home on day five, Jack was feeding perfectly.

Towards the end of the second week Jack woke up a bit and started feeding more. After every feed he would cry and cry and I would offer him more boob, yet it didn’t seem to satisfy him. One night, he was still bawling his eyes out at 1am and we decided to give him a bottle of the backup formula we had purchased. It settled him down immediately and he happily went off to sleep. I felt like a complete failure and so incredibly guilty for giving him a bottle.

I have to say right from the start I never found breastfeeding to be an enjoyable experience. You see all of the mothers saying how much they love it and how it helps them bond with their baby. I felt the complete opposite. After a week or so, I absolutely hated feeding Jack and would almost cringe every time I heard him cry. While feeding is supposed to release feelings of happiness and love, I only felt loneliness, sadness and anger. I don’t think I’ve ever cried in my life as much as I did when I was breastfeeding. I’m sure Jack could pick up on my emotions and it just made me feel even more guilty. Basically breastfeeding made me feel just like a big ball of sadness and guilt. I hated it.

Over the next few weeks we made the decision to give him top up bottles when needed and we noticed a huge change in his personality. He became more settled and calm and slept much better. Overall he just seemed like a much happier baby. I felt so conflicted as I felt the guilt from giving him formula and felt like I had failed in my breastfeeding goal. But at the same time I was so relieved to see him so much more happier and settled.

I tried pumping however I was barely getting anything and some days was lucky if I could get 30ml off both breasts after nearly an hour. It was depressing and seeing the tiny amount I was getting made me even more concerned that Jack wasn’t getting enough.

During week six, I made the decision to fully swap Jack over to formula. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I could see he was so much happier when he was drinking from the bottle. During his first six weeks, he was getting horrific wind and gas, and the formula really reduced this. We started giving him his day feeds from the bottle and his night and morning feeds were from the breast. Slowly I started to drop the amount of time I was feeding him from the breast and supplemented with formula for these feeds too.  He started sleeping better and was a much happier and alert baby. It allowed me to have cuddles with him, rather than him constantly rooting for food every time I touched him. I loved snuggling up with him and looking into his big blue eyes while giving him his bottle and I instantly felt more of a connection than I did when I was breastfeeding with his face smushed into my boob. Formula also meant that Jack started gaining weight really well, and my tiny little boy was no longer so tiny. We also found out later that Jack had reflux and needed Infant Gaviscon to help him. This made a huge difference, and isn’t something I would have been able to administer to him as easily if I was breastfeeding.

I found weaning to not be that difficult at all, probably due to the fact that I did it relatively slowly. Once I was down to three breastfeeds a day, the hardest one to drop was the nighttime feed. For the first couple of days after, I’d wake up and my boobs were like rocks and were incredibly sore. I tried the old “cabbage in the bra” trick and to my amazement it totally worked! There was only one or two days where I felt uncomfortable, and after that I found it really easy to drop the remaining feeds over a week.

The last time I breastfed Jack was a bittersweet moment. I felt sad that I couldn’t continue and that I hated it so much. At the same time I was so happy. Happy that I felt better mentally and happy that my little boy was getting all the food he needed and wasn’t so hungry and upset.

Unfortunately the week I weaned Jack was also World Breastfeeding Week, and breastfeeding was plastered all over my social media. Photos from smiling happy mums bragging about how “breast is best” and how they had such an over supply of milk etc. It made me feel even more crappy, and like a terrible mum that I couldn’t provide what he needed. We are now 6 weeks on from weaning, and Jack is the happiest and most settled little boy. His weight gain is fantastic and he no longer struggles with horrific gas. He’s happy and smiley, and I can’t imagine he would be like this if I hadn’t introduced formula.

Not breastfeeding has also allowed me to feel more like myself again. I can wear what I want, when I want and I don’t have to wear breastfeeding friendly clothing. I could get rid of my awful maternity bras, and I also can choose to eat and drink what I like (coffee, yes please!). While of course these are never reasons that would affect my decision to breastfeed, they are definitely some enjoyable perks of formula feeding and they allow me to feel much more like myself.

Would I breastfeed again? If we do have another child, it’s something I would definitely try again however I would never pressure myself or allow myself to be pressured. While I would aim to breastfeed as long as possible, if that baby ended up having formula on the first day, it wouldn’t be the end of the world and both my baby’s health and my mental health would be the most important factor. Next time, who knows, I might love breastfeeding and the baby might thrive. But if that doesn’t happen and I don’t breastfeed that’s okay too. I really think the time has come for people to stop making such a big deal over whether a baby is breastfed or formula fed as FED IS BEST. And anyway, by the time all the kids are at school you will never be able to pick out whether a child was breastfed or formula fed – there are far more important factors that influence a child’s wellbeing!